Always playing.

Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me: I am such a pointless romantic. I always am looking forward to that next big crush, that next rollercoaster to come and turn my life head over heels. It’s as if I am incapable of living on my own. Not because of any self esteem thing, but rather because I am unable to keep moving forward without being pulled.

I look around and most of my peers are looking ahead, getting jobs, making contacts, bettering themselves. They treat the social life with the mockingly joyful attitude that it deserves. They have fun, enjoy themselves, don’t get caught up it. Not me though. Oh no, far be it for me to actually be able to enjoy some experience without having to analyze it. Categorize it. Rank it, and try and figure out where it fits in my neat little life. I am sick of being preoccupied with what will come next. Who will come next. I am sick of never living in the moment. Never getting to go with the flow. I am sick of having to push myself, never having it come naturally, never having it come easy. Never having it come at all, unless I beat, beg, cajole and barter. Unless I force it, from myself and others, force the spontaneity of friendship.

Blessed are the forgetful; for they get the better even of their blunders.

But I can’t forget. And I can’t stop.

Its true, I'm actually still here

Yep, I'm actually back. Not that anyone is reading this, but whatever. The debate is going on here and its very strange seeing my campus on cnn and cnbc. Its kind of exciting really, though I'm not sure why exactly since I'm not going anywhere near campus today and have absolutely no involvement with this. Its kind of like 15 minutes of fame by proxy. I just hope those idiot classmates of mine don't make me look bad, hehe.
I'm heading home tomorrow for a quick visit, should be nice. Shame I dont have more time too see everyone but thats the way school goes I suppose. Get to see my dad who's been sick, but is getting better, so I'm happy about that. In other news, my ipod is currently on a truck in California, taking its sweet time getting here. WHY FEDEX GROUND SHIPPING WHY???? On one hand I feel like a total sell-out getting such a super trendy gadget that costs waaaay to much money... but on the other and I really really really really want it. So let it be know far and wide that I have totally sold out. Next thing you know I'll be signing with a major label and letting all my fans down.... oh wait. I don't have any.
Right.

Bored but scared.

I have a test in dinosaurs tomorrow. Well, not in a dinosaur, but in the subject of dinosaurs. It shouldn’t be that bad *famous last words*. Tomorrow is also the date that all the insanity that the presidential debates will bring to my campus begins. Hopefully they will not be too disruptive or annoying. One can only hope.

I am stressing out over this weekend. One the one hand, I am anxious to throw a party here at my apartment with the intent of meeting people and making friends. On the other hand I am terrified at the thought of being responsible for people’s enjoyment. What if they don’t like me? What if they would have liked my, but I chase them off cause I am a total dork? Such worry! Being a social neophyte is such hard work!

I hope that I have a Gamer’s Club meeting tomorrow. In addition to the gatherings being a lot of fun, the people there are very cool. But, I think it is cancelled because of the aforementioned debate madness. Which makes me sad. And so I cry. But just a little. Because I’m worth it.

I made this

And lo, there was a new website design. For instead of sleeping, he doth code and draw, drawing forth such beauty from the bountiful bosom of the mind's eye. And now ye, those who view, those who click and occasionally drag, ye may draw breath assured that halfight no longer has a default template, but rather a template MODIFIED from a default template, which, as ye know, is a totally different thing.

Today was totally le suck.

I failed my statistics test like the desert fails the rain. My other test, in networking, I thought went okay, although I probably failed it too. In fact, I probably caused other people to fail their tests as I walked from one exam to another. So if you failed your tests today, I am sorry, as it is clearly all my fault.

Lucky for me, I got my graphics lab done just in the nick of time. So there is always that. And now, I am sitting in ma chair, chillin to the phat beats of Remy Zero, enjoying ma PB&J, wishing it was all over.

Looking forward to my game club thinger this Thursday, although I need to draw a bunch of stuff for it. I am excited because some of the people I met there are extremely cool, and I sincerely hope to get to know them better. It’s funny; I don’t feel that way often. Usually I just hate you.

I will never update again stupids

I am posting again. Wee. The only person who is going to read this is me, so I don’t even care enough to say why I am posting again, or why I didn’t write anything for so long. Suffice it to say, it was all about, because, and for, a girl.

I remember the first “diary” I ever wrote. It was in sixth grade, in one of those tacky notebooks that were so popular in the eighties, the ones with the neon-florescent tropical scenes on the cover. It consisted of exactly one post; the introduction, some lofty words about how I was going to “chronicle the tremulous life of a sixth-grader.” After that single entry, I promptly forgot about the diary, moving on to what I am sure seemed like bigger and better things, yet things that now, nine years later, I can’t even remember. It is strange that I would remember that one failed project more than any of my more successful childhood endeavors. Perhaps it is because that single diary entry has become iconic of my attitude about most things: passionate, lofty, far reaching ideas that never, ever, fulfill their potential. My own worst enemy is my boredom, my apathy, my lethargy.

I guess that makes me another lazy ass white-boy American, then.